I had high hopes for my mat leave. I was going to turn my list of blog ideas into actual entries. I was going finally knit awesome things with the wool in my closet. I was going to steal my in-laws’ Netflix password and rewatch 16 years or so of Grey’s Anatomy.
The universe had other plans. Tiny Human #3 is a pandemic baby. Our extended family, for him, live in our computer. He thinks the people on TV giving COVID updates are talking to him. Pretty much everyone he sees is wearing a mask. Aside from a few blissful weeks of order and routine when his sisters were able to return to school, he has had to share cuddle time 24/7 with his siblings.
M who normally travels every 6 to 12 weeks is now camped out in the playroom/office. Tiny Human #1 is tucked away behind her bedroom door and Tiny Human #2 has taken over the family room. The upside is that Tiny Human #3 has access to spontaneous cuddles throughout the day. The downside is that some days I feel like I need to buy him baby earmuffs to drown out the yelling.
I find myself grieving the mat leave I was expecting. I cannot cuddle on the couch with Tiny Human #3 while he naps, or meet a friend for tea. We are fortunate to live in a decent sized house but it feels like I am constantly juggling everyone’s needs and I am never really alone. I am also constantly worried about all of our mental health.
I have come to treasure pandemic pauses, right now I am sitting outside in the sunshine typing away on my iPad. I am sure at any moment someone will come bursting out with a problem for me to solve but until then I will enjoy the wonderful sound of my fingers hitting the keys. I held off on writing this for months because I didn’t want to sound whiny but 5 weeks left until I return to work I find myself hitting a wall. I cannot control my anger and after anger come the tears. I have loved the time with my children but I cannot help but feel frustrated.
Oh the icing on the cake (I know I am burying the lead) is that in less than three months we are moving to Switzerland. What would already be an emotional and busy time is even more complicated. I feel guilty taking a pandemic pause when I should be spending time with my children, cleaning or organizing but with no light at the end of the tunnel I need to let it go and just try to enjoy the brief snippets of what I imagined my mat leave to be.
Inside the Mommy Bag 